Once there was a girl, a girl who was much taller than the other girls. A girl named Amber.
Amber's growth spurts also weren't like the other children's. Where they would get them in small doses, Amber would get saturated in an Olympic sized pool of growth spurts.
Enormous growth spurts caused for an enormous appetite. This combined with a slow metabolism made for a rough way of life for Amber. She was more than just a chubby kid she was an orange living amongst the blueberries.
Amber was aware that this was an issue, but she didn't realize how much of an issue this was to everyone else.
The children in her school had many things to say for someone who strayed too far away from their normal scale, but there were also some adults who were close to her that had opinions on what was wrong with Amber, instead of telling her anything that was right.
Amber was painfully shy, only speaking to those outside her family when directly addressed. She was terrified of those around her and what their opinions of her could be, afraid to do anything that might draw attention to her.
"What-if's" crippled her. What if they laugh at her? What if they don't like her? What if they are talking about her when she's not around?
She made few new friends throughout school because, what if they thought about her like those other people did?
Unfortunately, when you're an orange living amongst blueberries it's hard to blend in and that's all Amber wanted.
She wanted to disappear so all the negative comments would disappear too. She tried her hardest to be invisible, she kept her head down when walking in the halls, she only spoke when being spoken to, and she would sit in the back of her class. This wasn't the greatest plan but Amber wanted everyone to forget that she was even there.
After sometime it seemed like it was working, no one talked to Amber. She had friends but they didn't expect much from her, which was fine since she wasn't offering much in return.
Amber went to church her entire life, but it was mostly out of obligation. The kids there didn't make fun of her but Amber had gotten comfortable with being invisible so she continued to keep her head down and not speak until she had to. So she followed them around until she worried she was annoying them and broke off to be by herself.
She felt alone and where before she pretended to disappear. Now she really wanted to. She felt like there was something wrong with her.
These feelings grew and she believed there was no hope. This was just the hand she had been dealt and there was nothing left for life to offer her.
These thoughts clouded over any good thought that came into her mind. Soon she had new what-if's. What if she just refused to get out of bed? What if she never existed? What if she was dead?
Amber contemplated killing herself, it would be easier. Some would miss her but over all she would be free and in way she felt like they would be too.
She was up late one night, her family all asleep. She considered raiding the medicine cabinet, taking as many pills as she could and it would all be over.
Before taking action she began to cry, and felt a freedom come over her. Things were bad right now but they would get better. She didn't know why but she knew it.
Not too long after that night, she was at church. There was a guest preacher at the church that day, and he invited Amber to pray.
Up until now, altar calls were synonymous with third world torture. She knew that she would feel better if she went down there, but people would pray with her and she would cry and what if her nose started running? She instead decided to duck out during altar call to hide in the bathroom.
But this day, the man knew how she felt; he didn't have to say it. He asked her to come pray at the altar, and she couldn't say no. She was still terrified of what everyone would think, but she was also overcome by sadness and hopelessness and she needed a way out.
She began to pray, and soon she felt that feeling again. Everything was going to be all right, she felt hope peace and joy all at once. It was overwhelming and she stopped praying.
Amber found out that what she was feeling was the Holy Ghost. She had heard it spoke about many times in church. She had lost count of how many times she heard about Acts chapter two and how after Jesus had died on a cross his followers had gathered to pray and they were praying like they had never prayed before all of a sudden it felt like a rushing mighty wind swept into their church. That's what Amber was feeling.
She may not have gotten it that morning, but she wasn't about to give up. That night at church, she came in determined to leave with the Holy Ghost. After the pastor had preached she went to the altar and began to pray and soon she was speaking in other tongues just like the initial outpouring of the Holy Ghost that fell in Acts.
Something changed in Amber that night. She felt free, she felt happy, but most of all she didn't care as much what others thought about her. It was Christmas and her birthday all wrapped up in one and no one could take that kind of happiness away.
She had been searching for this kind of connection all her life, and it was available to her the whole time.
Something changes in you when you stop caring what people think. Not only did Amber have an easier time making friends, she was able to show who she really was. Not always so shy and quiet, but also someone who was able to share her creativity and sense of humor with those around her without being so inhabited. Sure they still thought she was weird but it was different now because she was different now. A Holy Ghost filled orange amongst blueberries.
So I'm going to throw you a real shocker but that story was about me. I know right?!
I know my audience, I know that most of you know me, but God has given me a passion to write and not sharing my testimony on this platform makes me feel like a fraud.
I am still a work in progress, it bugs me how much I need to meet others approval. It doesn't cause me to shut down any longer but it still affects me. I'm also still losing weight, I've come a long way from where I was but I have an even longer path before me and I'm taking it much more seriously this time around.
This isn't my usual post but don’t worry I have more to come. Since this blog is about me, how could I not add the biggest part of me, I never want to forget where I come from and I know the Lord has so much more in store.
-Amber
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